Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
