I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
