I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
