I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
