Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
