just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
