Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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