Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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