God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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