Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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