Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
