Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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