I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
