i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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