i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
