before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
try to milk me bitch
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
