I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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