He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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