Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
