Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
