I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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