mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
