I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
There's even glitter on my cock...
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