Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
