I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
