Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
