Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
