I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
