My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
