It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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