My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
