I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
