ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
