I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
