My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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