We won't sleep together?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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