Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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