i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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