I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
