I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
