She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
