my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
