i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
