Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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