Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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