My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
