A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
