she pinky promised me she was 18
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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