Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
