These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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